Following the 2018 NFL NFC championship game, then New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees appeared on a sports talk show. Undoubtedly, the topic of discussion was a missed call late in the game by NFL referees — a call that could have likely changed the fates of both teams, thereby sending the Saints — not the Rams — to Super Bowl 53.
While disclosing his thoughts on the missed call, Brees divided his coping mechanism for such heartbreaking defeat in two halves. The first half involves worrying about the things he can control. The other half involves not worrying about things he cannot control, such as officiating by NFL referees.
The concept of not worrying about what one cannot control is nothing new under the sun. Yet still, the human psyche is hardwired to seek absolute control – particularly control over all that is unattainable, untamable, or both. Furthermore, when seeking to coral what is unattainable or wanting to tame what is untamable, such pursuits yield the need for perfectionism.
Why?
Because each of us will try to put their best foot forward to win what we deem ultra-grandiose. The more elusive the prize, the harder we try to seize the coveted trophy. For said reason, most of us we will do anything to hoist the coveted trophy, thus unknowingly adopting the trait of perfectionism. But unbeknownst to the human psyche concerning this matter, the odds are stacked against us, as there are some things we cannot control or tame.
In the sphere of everyday communication, the same rules apply – there things one can control, and things one cannot control. When talking to people, what introverts can control is the selection of words we unleash from our mouths. What we cannot control is how our words will make people feel. Yes, we would all like to deliver meaningful rhetoric to impress and influence our listeners — so much that some of us will work overtime to craft the perfect punchline or say little to nothing for fear of flawed discourse. Thus, in everyday conversation, for introverts, perfectionism is also ever-present, but on both ends of the spectrum of achievement, as in Overachievement and Underachievement.
Perfectionism and Overachievement
I know many introverts who have experienced episodes of communicative paralysis when seeking the right words to say. Example: when a guy tries hard to impress a lady, or when a lady tries hard to impress a guy. Beautiful ladies and handsome gentlemen, each of us has gone to extreme lengths to impress alleged Very Important People (VIP) such as CEOs, professors, celebrities, our peers, and the darlings of our eyes. And let’s be honest — the harder we tried to impress VIP, the sentences we vomited unto our listener(s) were both awkward and incoherent.
Undoubtedly, the moments I have referenced are uneasy and yield embarrassing actions like tripping over your own words, stumbling over your feet, or flat-out kissing ass. Earlier, I said, “We have control over the words unleashed from our mouths.” But, when we try too hard to say the right thing – i.e. adherence to perfectionism and overachieving – we lose control over proper word selection and ultimately fail to accomplish the objective: communicating verbally.
Perfectionism and Underachievement
Unlike Perfectionism and Overachievement, conversely, there are moments of painful silence. So instead of making a concerted effort to communicate, or vomit an onslaught of incoherent sentences, as introverts, we will evade all participatory verbal communication.
For instance:
A) The girl you’ve desired becomes unattainable because you don’t know what to say.
B) The guy that steals your heart is now beyond your reach as you shy away from the moment to tell him how you feel.
C) Your CEO, in your mind, becomes larger than life, hence you wish not to screw up when speaking to her or him.
Aside from a loss of proper word selection, there is a fundamental loss of voice. In these scenarios, there’s no tripping over words, stumbling over feet, or ass kissing — but only because an effort to say something has not been made, for fear of disclosing imperfect speech. Also, these types of scenarios cause introverts to second-guess themselves.
______
While a junior in undergrad, my classmates and I received notice that a well-known media personality, Tavis Smiley, was slated to make a possible visit to our school of communications. Well, that visit became a reality. On the day of Tavis’ visit, I was present in our campus studio. Instead of taking the reins and showing Tavis around, I stood frozen as a statue, as our chief engineer escorted Tavis through our media facility.
While all of this took place, there was a struggle in my mind — a struggle some introverts have experienced. The struggle, as it pertained to my situation with Tavis involved me toggling back and forth in mind between two choices which were:
A) Say something to Tavis
B) Don’t say anything to Tavis.
Because of bad nerves and fear of embarrassing myself — emotions that stemmed from an unnecessary need to be perfect and to disclose PERFECT SPEECH as in Perfectionism and Overachievement, I settled for option B.
Could something of value have transpired had I introduced myself to Tavis? An internship? Connections?? Maybe??? Maybe not? But I didn’t try, so I’ll never know what could have been. Nonetheless, sometimes a simple introduction can open doors.
To support the previous sentence, fast forward to my senior year in undergrad, I did the opposite. While attending a film festival, I introduced myself to a representative from one of our local television stations.
Overachievement, nor Underachievement for the sake of perfection, was in the equation.
My introduction was nothing grandiose.
Instead, just a hello, my name is, I’m a communications student, and I will graduate this month. Those simple words sparked a dialogue that led to a job interview.
You may be wondering what changed. Like, what happened between going cold on Tavis Smiley and cold approaching the television representative? Remember: I anticipated Tavis’ visit. Yet, my experience with the television rep was a chance meeting – strictly impromptu; I had no idea who would attend the film festival, but still, I dropped the ball during Tavis’ planned visit.
Back to the question – what changed? First, the Tavis incident had a profound impact on me. Despite not knowing what fruit could have come from making an impression on Tavis, still, I fucked up. Thus, I made a vow to myself to be on point next time. Other than redemption, there was something else – small exercises to optimize my communication skills for like situations. In part 3, I’ll share the exercises in question.
About that interview – did I get the job? No! What I did receive was an experience – one that exposed both the harm of communicative indecisiveness and the power of direct cold approaches.
______
You may wonder about Perfectionism and Overachievement vs Perfectionism and Underachievement – which is worse? Both are and clearly, I do not recommend over-achievement or underachievement for perfect dialogue. Yet, I am tempted to give a modicum of credit to the underachiever of perfect diction, but only because some people do not think before speaking.
MY THREE SHINY CENTS
In my first blog post, I chronicled moments of discomfort we have faced when we are afraid to speak up. One of the remedies: You must know your stuff. Knowledge yields confidence. In turn, confidence stifles second-guessing behavior.
Moreover, there are three additional tips I’d like to share – tips to help reduce and ultimately eliminate the need to be perfect while engaged in everyday conversation.
1. PRACTICE
Engage in small talk with others. This is an exercise to condition introverts to engage in daily dialogue. Recall my brief introduction to the television representative. Sometimes one line such as Hello or Good morning is enough. Practice those one-liners with strangers or better yet, with the Very Important Person(s) in your world. Small talk practice empowers introverts to talk to anyone comfortably, thus alleviating the strain for unnecessary over the top perfect dialogue.
2. OPERATE AT YOUR OWN PACE
Some instances in life call for quick responses – occasionally we must think on our feet. But remember: all instances do not call for such swiftness. It is a known fact that introverts occasionally process information slowly, which allows us to think before we speak. The speed at which introverts will at times process data + our natural incline toward deep thinking, are some of our strengths. Yes, some people who work well under the gun, but often, when humans are rushed, our output is garbage. When engaged in dialogue, take your time. Process all information received, then disclose a quality response.
3. MARGINALIZATION OF VIP
There’s utility to mass net worth and vast social currency. However, we must remember that, despite one’s tax bracket or social status, we’re all the same. Pretty boys, gorgeous girls, celebrities, our peers — all of whom are under the umbrella of VIP — are normal flesh n’ blood human beings.
To overcome intimidation and see well beyond the glaring glow of VIPs, you must view them through a different lens. The lens in question involves marginalizing VIPs, but psychologically, to reduce their stature. There isn’t a potion or special tonic required. Instead, complete realization within your mind that all VIPs are normal, hence imperfect. Thus, believing all who are deemed perfect are imperfect helps lessen the need to speak flawlessly, say the right thing, and sound utterly rehearsed.
This brings me to my last point.
IMPERFECTION LEVELS THE PLAYING FIELD
Following Drew Brees’ disclosure of his coping mechanism, he referenced football as an imperfect game, played by imperfect people.
And, too, are our world and all people. I must say this admission of imperfection is in no way a free pass to fuck up without conscience.
Instead, it is an ideology to help stave off jitters while engaged in dialogue. For all that we do, we should aim to do our very best, though minus the pressure of perfection, because nobody is perfect, nor ever will be.
When communicating with others, I recommend using your signature voice. Indeed, how we talk to family, friends, managers, and others will slightly differ – but the two constants through it all are who you are and your voice — these are things you control. What each of us has to say and how we say it matters because everyone is a unique creation who brings newness and value to the table of life. Concerning your oral delivery — don’t over or underthink it.
STOP SECOND GUESSING YOURSELF. And lastly, never allow the need for perfection to alter or stifle your character, voice, and dialogue.
Best regards,
Joshua
